My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
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Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
We have a winner.