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The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
tis the season
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet