When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
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You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
That was easy.
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
my dad has had enough
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?