Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
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I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
my sentiments exactly
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.