soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
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“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
Should I call tech support or pray or what
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.