No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
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Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms