Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
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I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?