Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
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Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
I think the cat got the dog high.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.