Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
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The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.