Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
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Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
I love it all
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.