I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
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[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.