Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
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Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
My first son he is wonderful
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.