The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
You Might Also Like
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
Comparing yourself to others
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
You deplete me
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]