You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
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Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time