My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
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My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
had to share :’)
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.