“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
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FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
THIS HEADLINE
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on