I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
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I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
humans can accomplish so much, unless it鈥檚 parking at a shopping center during the holidays
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
you know you鈥檙e related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can鈥檛 be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
They don鈥檛 tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
Laughing far too much 馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
My kid: I鈥檓 cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what鈥檚 next?
Sex steak?
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??