Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
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“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.