My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
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Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.