Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
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13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder