Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
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Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
My daily affirmation
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
☺️