Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
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So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
ouch