We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
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I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer