In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
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recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.