One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
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me hitting on a model
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
We found love in a hopeless place.
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
Perfect.
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
These 3D printers are insane!
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ