I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
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STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
just gave your address to some spiders
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.