[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
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wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.