My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
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If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.