My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
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Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
I need better friends
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.