Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
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My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.