if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
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My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
Tony Hawk, age 6
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
Match dot com, but for socks.
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place