When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
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guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
Go girl power!
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
That’s fair
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
Trumpy Cat
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
[adds another nod to the conversation]
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.