Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
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<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
“you changed” bro i was 15
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
I falcon love using swear birds
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.