baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
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“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
Tastes like chicken.
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
The Joker was right
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue