I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
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The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)