“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
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my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.