Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
You Might Also Like
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look