I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
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Breaking news:
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.