I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
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This makes total sense…
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
What kind of a cult is this?
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.