*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
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got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon