Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
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Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
KFC hitting the cannibal market
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
BRO LMFAO
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
I think I’m having a stroke
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u