*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
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[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.