7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
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I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
This is I, Robot all over again
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.