Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
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Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now