[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
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[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS