I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
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I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂