just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
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Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.