Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
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I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.