Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
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Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?