God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
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If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing